


Poor Substitute, A

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-03-24
Updated: 2003-03-24
Packaged: 2019-05-30 11:49:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15096101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of theWest Wing Fanfiction Central, a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in theannouncement post.





	Poor Substitute, A

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**A Poor Substitute**

**by:** Lifeasanamazon

**Character(s):** CJ, Toby  
**Pairing(s):** CJ/Toby  
**Category(s):** Romance  
**Rating:** YTEEN  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine.  
**Summary:**  
**Spoiler:** Don't think so but mention is made of Manchester2  
**Author's Note:** All because my four year old needed to touch my face at 2am this morning. I'm amazed that I'm writing it 

He was standing in her office door way. Just staring. 

"Toby? ... Toby?" No response, so she stood and pulled him into the room, closing the door before pushing him down onto the couch and perching beside him. 

"C'mon, sweetie, snap out of it" 

He shook his head. "Don't do that, CJ" 

"What?" 

"Call me 'sweetie'." 

"God, Toby, you should be thrilled", she laughed, "just think of all the things I could call you - in fact I have called you." She looked at his strangely troubled face and saw a rare expression of vulnerability.  "But if it really bothers you, I'll try not to - or at least save it for occasions worthy of torturing you." 

Still he said nothing. "Okay, You're seriously unnerving me here now. Speak, Toby, I know you can." She sighed, "Fine. But I have things to do. I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to concentrate with you sitting there competing with Gail for the 'silent-with-open-mouth' award, but..." she trailed off. Still nothing. CJ rose and walked behind her desk, glancing at her silent visitor as she sat at her desk and prepared to read. 

"Okay, Toby. That's it. I've had enough. I've been sitting here for ten minutes pretending to read while you have just stared at me. What is going on?" 

Toby rubbed his hand over his eyes and kept it there. "I don't think you're going to like it CJ..." 

"Well try me. Anything is better than this. And they're gonna stop your pay if you don't do some work soon." CJ's voice rose as her patience ran out. "Spill it. I promise I'll help you deal with the consequences of whatever stupid thing you've done. I may shout a little..." She stopped and watched him walk over to her window. "C'mon, Toby" she prompted, gently. 

He took a breath. "No interruptions?" He glanced quickly at her and saw her nod in agreement. 

"It happened a long time ago." He sighed, "I've been thinking and I can only pin it down to when you tried to resign that time in Manchester. When you came back from seeing the President, you walked into the room where we were all waiting and all... and all I could think of doing was holding you in my arms. That was the first time. It's happened since then and now it's just about all I can think of doing all of the time. I don't know what to do." 

CJ sat dumbstruck. This was the last thing she'd been expecting him to say. 

He looked at her and smiled shyly. "Yeah. I know. Sorry. I'm not expecting you to do anything about it. I just need some help with how to function again and you're the only one I can talk to about it. It's just unfortunate that it involves you." 

CJ understood that Toby was trying to see this as a practical problem. He didn't want to embarrass her or himself by asking her how she felt about this. He just wanted her advice on how to get past it. Well, she didn't know how she felt about it and she wasn't sure if she wanted to address that right now. He'd asked for her help and she'd promised to give it. She needed to know the extent of the problem. 

"When I was a kid..." she paused, unsure of how much she should reveal, "I had a year or so when I found life a little difficult to cope with. My way of grounding myself, reassuring myself, you could say, was to stroke my Mom's cheek." 

Toby looked hard at CJ. Satisfied that she wasn't mocking him and that she was trusting him with a deeply personal memory, he moved to sit on the edge of her desk. He gently touched her hand to nudge her to continue. "CJ?" 

She lifted her eyes to his, "Not a practical solution when your Mom has to work and you have to go to school. But it was all I could think of doing all of the time." 

"And?" Toby prompted,  "What did you do?" He was looking at her with such intensity, it took her breath away. "How did you learn to be normal again?" 

"My Mom and I developed a strategy. Instead of reaching for her at every opportunity, I would touch my neck. If she was there, she would see and I would know she knew... If she wasn't there, I still did it. It brought me comfort and I gradually needed it less and less." CJ bit her lip and glanced at Toby. She knew that she still used this comfort. She wasn't sure how she felt about somebody else knowing about it. Since her Mom died it was the only piece of their relationship that was hers alone. 

Toby reached out and softly ran his index finger over her cheek and down her neck to the spot he had seen her touch on so many occasions. He understood. "Thank you" he whispered. 

CJ stood, close to tears. "We need a strategy for you now", she forced out with a smile. "Obviously, something not too out of character or people will think you've lost it...." She started to pace, Toby watching her with a soft smile on his face. 

"I could rub my ear?" 

"Yeah?" She grinned. "Okay, show me." She watched the semi familiar gesture. "Just right - I've seen you do it before, but not too often. No-one will notice." she said. 

"Except you?" 

"Except me." She agreed softly. 

He smiled and opened the door. "Thank you, CJ" and was gone. 

Her day had been busy. CJ had not bumped into Toby at all, but she was finding it difficult to put their earlier conversation out of her mind. Part of her was still stunned at what he had revealed, but mostly she felt touched that he trusted her enough to come to her at all. Her friend was not a man who talked about 'need' and 'love' lightly. Love? Where had that come from? Toby hadn't mentioned love, he had kept strictly to the essentials - he wanted to hold her, it didn't mean he loved her. Sometimes stress showed itself in different ways and their work was so stressful - inspiring, rewarding, but it took such a toll emotionally. Sometimes she needed someone too.  At least she had a chance to watch him now. 

CJ ran out of her office, grabbing files from Carol as she passed. She was late for Staff. 

"Sorry Leo, I got caught up..." she flew into the Oval Office, trying to catch her breath. They had been waiting for her. 

"Not good enough, CJ", Leo snapped. "Right let's get on with it..." 

CJ flushed and looked around the room. Josh gave her a sympathetic smile and raised his eyebrows in concern. She must be looking frazzled if Josh had noticed. She bent over her notes, trying to clear her head and concentrate on what Leo was saying. There was a pause. Silence, and then Leo's voice, "CJ, was it really worth you coming to this meeting? I've asked you twice for your opinion and you have yet to come up with anything at all."

She took a deep breath and looked up. All she could see was Toby's concerned face and his fingers gently pulling at his left ear. The gesture seemed so intimate that she gasped and felt her chest constrict. The wave of desire that washed over her, forced her eyes to close and the blood to rush to her face. She felt herself stumble and then Leo's hand was on her arm. "Hey, are you okay?" His tone was gentler than before and she nodded her head, unable to find the words to explain her behaviour. She sat down quickly and pulled her files to her chest. "Sorry, I'm fine. Let's carry on." 

Josh chased after her as she retreated to her office. "Can you tell me just one thing that was discussed in there, CJ?" 

She shook her head and laughed. "More to the point, Josh, can you?"

"Yes! If you give me a minute..." he spluttered. But she had gone and he was left muttering to himself alone in the corridor. 

CJ walked into her office and closed the door. What on earth had happened in there?

She leaned back against the hard wood and ran her hands through her hair. 

"Don't look at me like that, Gail. What am I going to do? You heard what happened this morning. Now when Toby touches his ear, I know he wants to put his arms round me. It's like a code. And God how I want him to hold me." She groaned. "How am I going to look at him ever again?" 

Sitting at her desk half an hour later, CJ heard a tap at the door. "Come in." She looked up. "Hey, Toby. Before you ask - I'm fine. Just low blood sugar. I've had something to eat..." 

"Well, as long as you're sure" he paused,  "and thanks for the er... other thing. It's helping." He took another quick look at her tired face. "I'll see you tomorrow. Are you gonna come to Ginger's birthday drinks? I'm on the Hill most of the day, but I'll drive you if you want?" 

"Sure. That'd be great. I'll catch you tomorrow. Have a good evening." 

"Yeah. Goodnight. Don't stay too late." 

She stared after his retreating back and decided that what she really needed was a long soak in her tub and an early night. And time to think. 

The bar was crowded and noisy. CJ looked around for familiar faces. Toby was at the bar getting their drinks and she saw Ginger on the tiny dance floor, already tipsy and laughing at something Will had said as he tried to keep up with her dancing. She spied Donna and Josh deep in conversation and pushed her way through the bodies to their table. She sat down in the only free chair, noting that Toby would have to fight for his own space. She had managed to avoid seeing him all day and the conversation in the car had been kept at a trivial level, both of them faintly embarrassed by the new intimacy in their friendship. CJ's bath and thinking time the night before had been severely curtailed by a phone call from one of her oldest friends, full of news about her move to the coast and the happy life she had there. Jane had been so pleased to find CJ finally at home that she had spent an hour gossiping and describing her new life. CJ had hung up, too tired to invest any more emotional energy in examining what had happened with Toby and feeling slightly discontented with her lot. She shook herself and went to bed promising herself that she would deal with it all in the morning. 

But she hadn't. 

"There you are." Toby shouted over the noise of the music as he put her beer on the table. "I'm going to speak to Will. He looks like he needs rescuing." CJ watched Toby's back as he clapped a hand on Will's shoulder and disentangled him from Ginger who fell back into Larry's waiting arms. CJ glanced around before lifting her glass, quickly draining it, and then smiled at Josh as he signalled to get her another. 

"You okay, CJ?" It was Donna this time. "I know you hold it better than Josh, but if you keep going at this rate, you'll be sicker than Ginger in the morning." 

"Yeah, yeah" she slurred. "You seen Toby anywhere? He's my ride home...." 

"Right behind you, Claudia Jean. Let's get you home". 

CJ turned quickly... too quickly and she stumbled as the room span. Toby grabbed her elbow and pulled her against him to keep her from falling. "Hey - careful!" He attempted to push her upright, but she leaned against him laughing. 

"Dance with me Toby!" She put her hands on his chest and leaned her head on his shoulder, turning her face into his neck, lips almost touching skin. 

"That's not fair, CJ." Toby's voice penetrated the alcoholic haze. 

The words hit home. She flushed, raising her head and stuttering an apology. "I'm... sorry... I didn't mean..." 

Somehow, she straightened and made it out of the bar and into Toby's car without help. They drove back to her apartment in silence. Toby left the engine running while he got out and opened her door, watching as she carefully swung her legs out and rose to walk to her front door.  He kept his eyes on her as she put the key in the lock and then walked back to the driver's side and got back in the car.

CJ turned to watch him drive away, her heart and head pounding. What was she doing? What game was she playing? She couldn't begin to explain her behaviour in the bar and she was terrified that she had damaged their friendship. She focussed on the car... which hadn't moved. She took two steps forward and peered inside. Toby had his head back and his eyes closed, and his left hand was pulling at his ear lobe. He had no idea she was there. 

"Come inside..." she opened the car door. "Toby, please. Let's... let's just talk." 

They sat side by side on her living room couch, coffee on the table in front of them. 

"You know, I never meant to make you uncomfortable, CJ..." Toby stared straight ahead of him. 

"I don't think it's you who's behaving strangely, Toby. I don't know what's come over me. It's like... I don't know, since I told you about my Mom, my balance has gone. I don't hear things, I don't see things, my judgement has gone awry - I feel fourteen again. That's not your fault, Toby." She sighed and patted his leg, making sure to remove her hand despite the strong urge to touch him. 

"Maybe it's because I miss her. I loved her so much and she loved me. We were a little team in a house full of men and she never made me feel small for needing her so much. I was never a tall woman in her eyes - always her little girl and I don't have that anymore." She jabbed Toby with her elbow, "No snide remarks, mister." 

"Wouldn't dream of it, CJ. Not when you're drunk. You know how to inflict pain!" He smirked. 

CJ laughed. This was easy. It was Toby - her and Toby, old friends. 

"Well, my little neck rubbing strategy is a poor substitute for my Mom's face, but it's all I've got." 

"Not all you've got, CJ" said Toby, resting his hand on hers. 

"No." She agreed, "I have a nice apartment, an amazing job and the most wonderful friends." She sighed, " I can't have it all, I suppose." 

"And you're gonna have such a sore head in the morning..." 

"Yeah!" She laughed, then stopped. "Do you remember, I don't know how many years ago, us getting drunk and wondering where would be the place that was 'it' for us? The place we could be that showed we had made it, the realisation of our ambitions or the place we thought we could be truly happy...? 

"I do. And if I remember rightly, mine was a toss up between the White House and the pitcher's mound in the Yankee Stadium..." 

"Well, you did it then, Toby" CJ turned her head to look at him. "You made it to your place. Is it everything you dreamed?" 

Toby stared at her, then smiled and got up. "I haven't made up my mind yet, CJ. Like you said, we can't always have everything we want." 

CJ picked up her mug and leaned back. "I don't think I had anything like the ambitions you had. I seem to remember seeing things a little differently. Maybe it was the whisky talking, but while you were reaching for the sky, I was abandoning my feminist ideals and muttering about watching the waves with the man of my dreams. God, how sad is that." She faltered and sipped her tepid coffee. "No need to ask if I'm living my dream." She muttered as her eyelids flickered and then closed. 

Toby crossed to her and took the cup out of her hands. He lifted her legs on to the couch and draped the throw from it over her sleeping form. 

"You should be able to have everything, CJ. I wish I could give you it all." 

He let himself silently out of her apartment, leaving her sleeping in the darkness. 

CJ woke with sunlight shining straight into her eyes. She groaned and reached out with her hand, confused by the direction of the light and chilled to the bone. The throw had ended up on the floor and she realised that she was still fully dressed from the night before. At least it was Saturday. She sat up sharply, clutching her head as her eyes screamed at the contacts still in place and she staggered to the bathroom, desperately hoping that she wouldn't be sick. 

Once showered, dressed and re-hydrated, she sat at her kitchen table trying to piece together events from the night before. CJ knew she had had a few beers, but she really thought she could hold her drink better than that. At least, as far as she could recall, Ginger had far more to worry about, but then it had been her birthday, and everybody was allowed to let off a little steam on their birthday. There really was no excuse, though, for hurting and embarrassing your oldest friend as she had done. And that was the thought that really made CJ feel sick to her stomach. 

She got up and walked into her living room, picking up the dirty cups and straightening the couch after her uncomfortable night on it. As she turned to go back to the kitchen, her eyes were drawn to the small group of photographs arranged on her desk. She put the cups back on the coffee table and stretched out a long arm to pick up the largest frame. It was a picture of her parents with her and her brothers on her fifth birthday. There was a huge cake and candles, big grins on the faces of the children and a look of pure love between her Mom and Dad. It was her favourite photograph.

She replaced it carefully and sank back down on to the couch. When had she given up on finding someone to love like that? It struck her only now that she had indeed given up - and some years ago. She had been attracted and gone out with men who were all incompatible to varying degrees and when they had left, she had missed the sex, but not the emotional closeness that had never really been there. It was a poor argument, but the argument she always used, that she didn't have time to commit to a relationship, that her job was too demanding and a man would not want to play second fiddle to her career. She and Danny had been down that road and although she missed the flirting and the boost to her ego, that was all she missed. 

Toby never boosted her ego. Toby never considered her anything but equal to him, never treated her in any way that he wouldn't treat his other close friends. He annoyed and baited and trusted them all to the same degree. He was an honourable and difficult man, a man similar in that respect to her father, and would be equally difficult to live with. CJ had admired her Mom for taking a risk on her husband. The bad times had been challenging, but the good times - oh how she remembered the good times; laughter and fun and love. So much love. 

CJ let out the breath she didn't realise she had been holding.  When had she become so frightened of taking an emotional risk? She'd shared her treasured memory with Toby and her world hadn't caved in. He hadn't belittled her, or made her feel ashamed and he had trusted her to help him with his problem. His problem - his problem was that he wanted to hold her in his arms - why was that a problem? God she must be mad. A man she now realised that she loved more than anything and it was a problem that he wanted to hold her? 

She stood suddenly. She was going in to the office. She knew he would go there straight from Temple. 

CJ waited in the doorway to Toby's office and watched him while he worked. He looked up and smiled. "Are you planning on coming in?" She stepped forward and turned, closing the door with a soft click. 

"Stand up, Toby." 

"Stand up? Why?" 

She walked over to his desk, kicked off her shoes and stood in front of him, her face serious. "Because I want to put my arms around you and feel you holding me." 

Slowly, he stood, his eyes never leaving hers. As their faces drew level, CJ took both his hands in hers and pulled them behind her back until her body was tightly pressed against him. Then she slid her arms over his shoulders and around his neck.

They stayed silently like this, cheek to cheek, breathing each other in and savouring the warmth and the closeness. 

"What are you thinking, CJ?" whispered Toby, his lips brushing against her ear. 

"If I could be standing, like this, with you, on a beach, looking out over the ocean... I couldn't be happier... " She paused. "And I would do without the beach if I could just have you." 

Toby pulled his head back and looked at her. Her hand slid from his neck to caress his ear and then down his cheek, following the line of his beard. He smiled and touched her face, tracing her lips with his finger before letting his hand come tenderly to rest on her neck in that familiar place. 

"Maybe, just maybe, we can have it all, CJ." 

And he kissed her.  
    
The End 


End file.
